unsure what to call it
posted by Villain at 4:12 PM
Doves - Sky Starts Falling
a couple weeks ago, i went to my friend Angela's wedding. it was hosted at the silent movie theater on fairfax and it was a little cramped. the ceremony itself was awkwardly agnostic. i never really met angela's husband or angelas family, so i really didn't know much of anyone. but the few people that i did know were all old friends from college. people i spent a lot of time with out of circumstance for the most part. took a lot of classes with, worked on a lot of projects with, slept with a couple, and haven't kept up with any. and i remember how after that initial excitement wore off, i was just as happy to put them all behind me and walk back to my car and get back to this life.
i don't know if it's that i'm too emotionally insulated, or i'm just shallow and don't really connect with other people easily. but i couldn't find a part of myself that cared. there was one exception to that, which is erik. erik i was truly and honestly friends with. we were close. he knew me. not just who i was - he knew ME. you know how certain people just get you? just understand what you're about? no matter how many years go by or what direction you're life takes, you are still you. and when somebody gets down to knowing THAT you, when they're friends with THAT piece of you're personality, you'll never fall apart.
there was a warmth that i felt when he looked at me. it was followed by a real hug. there was no uncertainty over the appropriate greeting - no strange handshake or imperceptible hesitation. no wondering "Jesus, who is this person now?" just the same big bear of a hug with that grin and his kind of sweet, low growl. to be known. to feel known. like there's just nothing to explain.
i don't know what exactly it is that's so special about it. it's more than the camaraderie that comes from shared experience - i had that with all of those people. maybe the sense that finally you've found permanence in a relationship with another human being? the comfort of being able to completely let down your guard and still feel safe? or simply that it is so rare. whatever it is that makes it precious, it's something that needs to be ... not protected - i've tried to "protect" it in the past and i've only gotten in the way ... but kept sacred.
a couple weeks ago, i went to my friend Angela's wedding. it was hosted at the silent movie theater on fairfax and it was a little cramped. the ceremony itself was awkwardly agnostic. i never really met angela's husband or angelas family, so i really didn't know much of anyone. but the few people that i did know were all old friends from college. people i spent a lot of time with out of circumstance for the most part. took a lot of classes with, worked on a lot of projects with, slept with a couple, and haven't kept up with any. and i remember how after that initial excitement wore off, i was just as happy to put them all behind me and walk back to my car and get back to this life.
i don't know if it's that i'm too emotionally insulated, or i'm just shallow and don't really connect with other people easily. but i couldn't find a part of myself that cared. there was one exception to that, which is erik. erik i was truly and honestly friends with. we were close. he knew me. not just who i was - he knew ME. you know how certain people just get you? just understand what you're about? no matter how many years go by or what direction you're life takes, you are still you. and when somebody gets down to knowing THAT you, when they're friends with THAT piece of you're personality, you'll never fall apart.
there was a warmth that i felt when he looked at me. it was followed by a real hug. there was no uncertainty over the appropriate greeting - no strange handshake or imperceptible hesitation. no wondering "Jesus, who is this person now?" just the same big bear of a hug with that grin and his kind of sweet, low growl. to be known. to feel known. like there's just nothing to explain.
i don't know what exactly it is that's so special about it. it's more than the camaraderie that comes from shared experience - i had that with all of those people. maybe the sense that finally you've found permanence in a relationship with another human being? the comfort of being able to completely let down your guard and still feel safe? or simply that it is so rare. whatever it is that makes it precious, it's something that needs to be ... not protected - i've tried to "protect" it in the past and i've only gotten in the way ... but kept sacred.
